I've failed

 I've failed. Like the big time this time. I failed three of my four units at uni and I've been put on probation. Which I think means that I've been suspended for 12 months. I think. Tbh, I'm in the middle of nowhere, so I can't see. I was at a rest stop and I lost my shit. Like the dumb shit autistic spaz I am. It's all my fault. All of it. I was too stupid, didn't study enough, and focused on the wrong things. Everything I've done in the last six months has been a disaster. Even though I've made gains in my social life, my academics have collapsed. I don't know what I should do. I'm not depressed because I'm not lonely anymore, but I didn't manage myself correctly and put my future at risk. On the other hand, last year my grades were good, but I hated myself and had no one like in 2023. I don't know what I should do. Should I go back to last year? Tbh, I miss it a bit. The freedom, the drive I had, that feeling I needed to prove myself. But that deep gut feeling like I was missing out on something. That idea that I've been chasing since 2023. I still feel it sometimes. So maybe I should do that if I'm allowed to, though. 

I don't what what I should do. Maybe it's this place but I feel like I'm getting worse with my autism. It's just compounding. Everything around me. I'll be honest this has been going on since January. Which might explain my results a bit. But I want a reset. I need one. Maybe a year off might help. I do nothing. No social life, Labor, clubs, dating. Only work and home. Like before. Even six months will do. I need to rethink some things. When I was in my jap exam I was thinking I needed a total reset. Of everything. 

 I'll be honest as well, I don't think I should be a civil engineer. I don't know enough about it and to be frank I don't think I'm smart enough too. I just went with it to make people happy. So this could be the break I needed. I like town planning. I like organising things. Building a society. An engineer doesn't do that. I'll have to read and ask around about it. At least I have connections in the govt I can ask for help.

As for just then. It was gross. I just hate myself soo fucking much, I can't help myself but get rid of my feelings in any way I can. Everything around me is building up, and I try and protect myself and bundle myself in. But I just exploded. I hit myself because I think I deserve it. I run away because I don't want me.  Because I know people hate me. It's like in Japan in January, I spent days by myself because I thought people hated me. I even wrote about it, though I don't think I published it anywhere. I'm just so sick of myself. I don't deserve anything I get because I'm such a bad person. I always end out hurting everyone around me. Sometimes I think I should be one of those people who lock themselves away from everything. Then I can't screw anything up. 

I'm bad at everything I do. Socially I always end up fucking up. Saying something stupid because I have no filter. Or exploding and everyone leaves me, rightfully so I don't blame them. I can't do well at uni work. I need to work twice as hard and still fail. Labor I feel like an idiot most days. And the social stuff comes into play. Work I fuck up and get upset, when I was working full time I hated myself for it. And if I went back now, it would be much worse because this time I really failed. And if it wasn't for my dad I probably wouldn't have a job. Because I couldn't keep one for more than a month. I act like such a dickhead saying I can do everything because I know I can't. Because I know how dumb I can be, how socially inept, and emotionally immature. I act like the person I want to be like, but it's not who I am. And who I am has caught up to me.

My parents. I feel so bad for them. Sometimes I think I'm too much of a burden for them, that they'll be stuck with me for like. I don't think I can ever move out. I don't know if I can't. Like today, I was with them when all this uni stuff happened. I made them so fucking embarrassed. I can't do anything. I make everything so worse for them. I'm a failure. They try so hard for me. Like dad does so much for me and I still act like this. 

Even reading this makes me hate myself; it's just gibberish self-pity. Nothing productive. Nothing of worth. Endless self-hatred nonsense. I want a break from everything.