I want to disappear

I hate myself. I’m just so useless. I can’t do anything right. I fuck up everything I do. I just want to curl up and die. I think about stabbing myself in the head with a screwdriver. I want it over. I wanted to crash into a tree on the way one. I want to disappear. I can never do anything right, I turn everyone against me. I’m just so fucking mad at myself, I’ll never amount to anything. I’m so Fucking sick of having autism. It’s ruined my life. I’m fucking dumb, I have to take three times as long as anyone else to do things. I can’t talk to anyone. I say fucking stupid things. And people hate me. I thought people like me, but I don’t know anymore. I think everyone thinks I’m terrible. I’m so worried that I’m going to do nothing in life. That I’ll end up being a burden on society. I feel like my whole life has been a lie, that I can’t do anything that I wanted to do, that I can’t do anything. That I was always going to be nothing. That everyone lied to me. 

I miss when I was alone. I miss when I didn’t have to talk to anyone. I miss when I had the feeling that something was missing. Because all this past year has done is show me how fucking bad of a person I am. How bad I am with friends, dating, school work, politics, club work. I can’t do anything. I want to stop trying. 

I just want to disappear.