Brand New Day

Well, I'm back. 

And it's a good day. Since my last post on July 4th, a lot has happened. I'm ok with Uni as well as my mental health. I'll discuss both.

Firstly, with uni. I decided to not pursue engineering. To be truthful, I wasn't feeling it; the thought was always in the back of my mind that I wouldn't go ahead with it. But I didn't have the courage to go ahead and say it. All I needed was to fail three units and be put on probation to say anything. I'll address the elephant in the room. I failed both Japanese units and my chemistry unit. As a result, I was put on probation for this semester. I went to campus to ask what that means and apparently, it's a warning to get my shit together. To get rid of it I need to pass 2/3 (I'm doing three units this sem) of my units this semester to get rid of it. But I should pass all of them, just in case you know? Thankfully, it won't affect my future studies. 

I decided to be an urban planner. I don't think I've said that yet. I want to be able to design cities, design places where people can live, work, shop, and play. I know it's a bit predictable to say, but I really like the way Japanese cities are designed. To be fair, I've spent a while walking around them. But before I start that, I need to do an undergrad in architecture, which is what I started this semester. It's a bit scary to start again, again. But I'm hoping this might fit me more. It's more about finishing projects rather than tests. So hopefully that might be better for me. It also gives me another opportunity to study in Japan again. Like before, I would like to study in Kobe. I feel like going to somewhere I'm familiar with would be really good for me. Plus, it's in a really central place. If not, Tokyo would be great. 

I think I'll write another post about my mental health, it's in a really difficult place right now, and I have lots of thoughts. But for now, I'm glad I can start fresh again. Brand new start. I'll talk about the rest later.

See ya

I'll be doing lots of drawing with architecture

I've failed

I've failed. Like the big time this time. I failed three of my four units at uni and I've been put on probation. Which I think means that I've been suspended for 12 months. I think. Tbh, I'm in the middle of nowhere, so I can't see. I was at a rest stop and I lost my shit. Like the dumb shit autistic spaz I am. It's all my fault. All of it. I was too stupid, didn't study enough, and focused on the wrong things. Everything I've done in the last six months has been a disaster. Even though I've made gains in my social life, my academics have collapsed. I don't know what I should do. I'm not depressed because I'm not lonely anymore, but I didn't manage myself correctly and put my future at risk. On the other hand, last year my grades were good, but I hated myself and had no one like in 2023. I don't know what I should do. Should I go back to last year? Tbh, I miss it a bit. The freedom, the drive I had, that feeling I needed to prove myself. But that deep gut feeling like I was missing out on something. That idea that I've been chasing since 2023. I still feel it sometimes. So maybe I should do that if I'm allowed to, though. 

I don't what what I should do. Maybe it's this place but I feel like I'm getting worse with my autism. It's just compounding. Everything around me. I'll be honest this has been going on since January. Which might explain my results a bit. But I want a reset. I need one. Maybe a year off might help. I do nothing. No social life, Labor, clubs, dating. Only work and home. Like before. Even six months will do. I need to rethink some things. When I was in my jap exam I was thinking I needed a total reset. Of everything.

 

 I'll be honest as well, I don't think I should be a civil engineer. I don't know enough about it and to be frank I don't think I'm smart enough too. I just went with it to make people happy. So this could be the break I needed. I like town planning. I like organising things. Building a society. An engineer doesn't do that. I'll have to read and ask around about it. At least I have connections in the govt I can ask for help.

As for just then. It was gross. I just hate myself soo fucking much, I can't help myself but get rid of my feelings in any way I can. Everything around me is building up, and I try and protect myself and bundle myself in. But I just exploded. I hit myself because I think I deserve it. I run away because I don't want me.  Because I know people hate me. It's like in Japan in January, I spent days by myself because I thought people hated me. I even wrote about it, though I don't think I published it anywhere. I'm just so sick of myself. I don't deserve anything I get because I'm such a bad person. I always end out hurting everyone around me. Sometimes I think I should be one of those people who lock themselves away from everything. Then I can't screw anything up. 

I'm bad at everything I do. Socially I always end up fucking up. Saying something stupid because I have no filter. Or exploding and everyone leaves me, rightfully so I don't blame them. I can't do well at uni work. I need to work twice as hard and still fail. Labor I feel like an idiot most days. And the social stuff comes into play. Work I fuck up and get upset, when I was working full time I hated myself for it. And if I went back now, it would be much worse because this time I really failed. And if it wasn't for my dad I probably wouldn't have a job. Because I couldn't keep one for more than a month. I act like such a dickhead saying I can do everything because I know I can't. Because I know how dumb I can be, how socially inept, and emotionally immature. I act like the person I want to be like, but it's not who I am. And who I am has caught up to me.

My parents. I feel so bad for them. Sometimes I think I'm too much of a burden for them, that they'll be stuck with me for like. I don't think I can ever move out. I don't know if I can't. Like today, I was with them when all this uni stuff happened. I made them so fucking embarrassed. I can't do anything. I make everything so worse for them. I'm a failure. They try so hard for me. Like dad does so much for me and I still act like this. 

Even reading this makes me hate myself; it's just gibberish self-pity. Nothing productive. Nothing of worth. Endless self-hatred nonsense. I want a break from everything.

I'm finished

 I can't do it anymore. I've reached my breaking point. I cant study because i'm too stressed, but if I don't study I stress. I need the cycle to break. I'm weeks behind in work, I have no idea what I'm doing. I can't focus. I need help. I can't go to uni anymore I'm too stressed out. It takes too long to get there. I have too many comitments with clubs and the party. I've cooked myself. I'm scared that I'm going to fail. I don't know what to do. 

K-On! Monday! 66

HELLO!! ITS K-ON! MONDAY! 

Because I can't stay long, I'll show off one of the best K-On! related things I own. My K-On! Watch!

I'll go into how I got it next week, but for now know that it took a bit of searching to get; and it wasnt cheap. Have a good week

See ya 

This watch sucked to take a photo of

K-On! Monday 65?

 Well, it's been a week huh? 

I'll explain tomorrow but in short, the room I keep all the K-On! stuff in right now is a mess. I don't use it much so I left it to go to shit. Plus uni is killing me right now. 

I'm actually going to get a K-On! Poster tomorrow so I'll post it when I get it. Anyway sorry about the short post, I thought it be best to get something out before I left the blog abandoned. Here is some photos from Kyoani's office as an apology. These were taken at the start of the year, Enjoy!

See ya

毎週に日本語 第三

1. チャプターテストのためになにをしなくてはいけませんか？
   1. 私はノートでチャプターの文房を書いておきます。そして、漢字を書いておきます。聞く練習を聞きておきます。
2. 来週までに何をしなくてはいけませんか？
1. ノートデ化学のレクチャー筆記を書きます。火曜日に日本語３Aのじゅぎょうあるために、日本語の宿題をしておきます。日本語のブログを書きますて、先週に先週のブログを書いて遅れてしまいました。

これは私のつくえにチャプターテストをするために、勉強しておきます。

毎週に日本語 第二

私のつくえです。モニターとコンピューターをつっています。紅茶が湯たいます。ニンテンドーDSをしまったいます。本棚に本が中あります。 

K-On! Tuesday?!

 I'm sorry

I missed K-On! Monday! for the first time in 65 weeks, I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner, to be honest. Anyway, on with the show!

Another CD!

So today I'm taking a look at Singing! which is the ending song to the K-On! Movie! Its also the last song you'll hear from Ho Kago Tea Time as well. Its really good too, a good song for the series to go out on. Its got a bit of finality to it, I can't really describe it. It also has string instruments, other than gitars and bass, in it; which I'm a big sucker for. 

The Inside

I think that's it! Go listen to the song, heh, it's great. Watch some K-On! and have a great week

See ya

毎週に日本語 第一

What's up everyone. This is something new that I'm trying. Well, to be honest, I have to do it because of university. I have to do a new weekly Japanese blog, so I thought I would post it here, too, since I said I wanted to start posting in Japanese. I've also changed a bit of the wording; I don't want too much personal information getting out. Anyway enjoy!

みなさん、こばんは。私の名前はバースツールで、二十です。ぼくのせんこうは日本語と工学でも、工学をはじめじゃないです。来年からせんこうは工学です。

私は一月から神戸大学でべんきょうしました。日本でべんきょうするのが大好きです。

私の都市は出身が私の町に住んでいます。うちから大学まで車と電車で一時間半くらいかかります。電車の中で音楽を聞くのが好きです、またに電車でべんきょうします。

よろしくおにがいします。

またね

I'm also supposed to post a photo of myself, 

and this is what I look like, obviously

K-On! Monday! 64

 Welcome Back!

It's been a weird week, so I'm only going to show some other stuff. 

I changed my Yui Nendoroid around. The guitar kept falling off, so I wanted to get rid of it. 

I also moved it so it sits next to my computer. While looking around for the new hands, I found some more K-On! stuff in my anime draw. 

Little behind-the-scenes stuff

You can see it in the top left of the drawer, as you can see, it also has a bunch of Haruhi stuff too. I got it all about a year ago; its probably on this blog somewhere. 

Anyway, thats it. I'll post again later.

See ya

K-On! Monday! 63

WE'RE BACK!

Thats right, University is back in swing today. Though I only have three lectures, kill me, and I left early. It was a good day. I'll talk about it more tomorrow, so stay tuned.

It's also K-On! Monday! Let's get right into it!

Ritsu!

Back in K-On! Monday! 50 I showed off a Yui movie stand, and this my Ritsu one! Not much else to explain to be honest. You can check out that other post for more details. 

Just quickly before I go, I started my next Japanese unit today. As apart of it, I'm doing a weekly blog in Japanese. So that might end up on here along with the rest of the stuff I do. I'll find out more tomorrow.

Thats it, have a good week

See ya

Summer Storms

Today's storm came out of nowhere, one moment it was the middle of summer and next it was like July. I live in the southern hemisphere. This left with some free time to think again. I've been coming back to the same discussion on Autism I've had since 2023, mainly how people view it and don't treat it with the seriousness that I think it requires. Mostly people who get their information from tiktok probably.  I tried to articulate it here last year but couldn't really get it out, but I've had a breakthrough. 

You see, it started at the end of last year, when I first went out with that girl. Now, I don't want to talk crap behind anyone's back, so I'll make this brief. But the way they spoke about disabilities, not just autism, was really disheartening. It opened my eyes up to how some people think about it, how they just use disabilities as an extension of themselves. Which I believe negates the real damaging effects of these disabilities. 

You all know what I mean, it doesn't take much to find someone with this outlook on life. They brag about their disabilities like it's nothing. Now, this has always annoyed and upset me, and I think I have finally understood why.

For most of my life, autism has been a part of my life in a big way. It has defined me. Shaped my entire life. So to me, it's just another part of me. While for a lot of these people, they seek it out to help understand themselves. They read online about the traits autism or ADHD has, and then apply that to themselves. They actively sought out this, wanted it, usually at an older age too. That's why they act the way they do, they needed this for themselves. While I was told I had autism at a young age, and has only negatively affected my life. I was tasked out of classes, had social problems, and mental health issues. 

Now I don't doubt that these other people haven't had the same issues as me, or even doubling their disabilities. But what I wanted to complain about is how I'm uniquely upset by this honestly little problem.  I just wanted to talk about the difference in thought between two different types of people. 

See ya 

I don't want people to get upset by this

I don't mean any harm by it

K-On! Monday 62

 Alright let's do this,

Welcome back to K-On! Monday 62!!! 

I've been thinking about what I could do to spice these posts up, so this week is part one of two. Of what you ask? Well, it's time to take a look at what happens after K-On! K-On! College to be specific, with university starting up next week I thought it was the best time to take a look at it. So this week I'll show off the book itself, and then next week I give my thoughts on it. To be honest I haven't read it yet, I know fake fan. 

Front Cover!

The back! With some new characters

Then the book itself.

From my basic understanding of this book, it's basically K-On! but with three new characters. Not too much difference from the rest of the manga. I'm looking forward to seeing the characters again but older, and the same age as me too. I'll talk about it next week 

See ya

K-On! Monday! 61

 HELLO ALL WELCOME BACK TO K-ON! MONDAY!

Today we're going to take another K-On! cd. This week is also a follow up the K-On! Monday XV. Back then I showed off a sheet music book containing the songs Go! Go! Manic and Listen!! 

Here is the front cover

The inside...

and the back

As I said back then, Go! Go! Manic is my favorie K-On! OP. I can't tell why, its just the pace and temp of the song. Along with the OP itself is fantastic. 

Intrestingly, this is a backing CD for that book. So it includes instumentals of both of the songs. Plus it has versions with each one of the instuments. So that you can play along with the other chracters. I really want to learn how to play drums, but I honestly dont have the time right now. 

Anyway that should be all for now

See ya

Losing myself

When I was in Japan, I had another big thought. It happened when I got back to Tokyo, though I think it had been brewing for a while before that. It kinda came together on my walk to my hotel from the station, it's also the reason I took that visit to Animate in Ikebukuro. 

What I am trying to say is that I think I'm losing who I am again. To expand, I think that I'm changing again. If you take a look back at some of the posts in 2023 I talked a bit about this idea, the idea that we are all constantly changing people. The person who created this blog would eventually cease to exist, and a new person would come about. The person who was depressed in 2023 was led to K-On! and other Kyoani stuff to find confit. That person who was trying to find something, that directionless person That person who wrote all these posts would just go away. 

Well, I've been noticing this slow change again over the last few months. I think it started with my developments just before my 20th birthday, I talked about it in Ordinary Life. To be frank too, with that title, I always intended it to be a turning point not only on this blog but hopefully in my life too. Coming to understand my place within the world really helped me out, I guess that's also part of growing up. 

I think I've also come to this conclusion because I'm not watching as much anime as I once did. For instance, I'm watching K-On! right now, but it's the first time watching anime in weeks. I just don't have the time, or to be honest, the desire to watch it. 

In the last few months, I've also become much more sociable. I go out with people much more often, Labor people, my old school friends, and I made lots of new friends in Kobe too. Not to mention that I've finally started dating. Well trying to at least, and you know it did work well. 

All this development has me feeling that I'm just losing a bit of myself, maybe it's the last bit of my childhood I had left. I can't really explain it, it's just I know that I can't act the same way I did before. Being depressed all the time, longing for something far away, retreating into myself. I can't do that anymore. It's a bit sad, but exciting too. 

I wanna keep growing but keep parts of myself that I like, I think that's what I need to work on this year. Like this blog, anime, games. But not forgetting about all my responsibilities. That is what real growth is I think, understanding that it's time to grow up, but not forgetting what made me who I am. No matter what happens I was always this person on this blog, and I can't forget that. 

Still, though, it feels like I'm coming to the end of a chapter of my life, I have a clear direction for what I want in the future, a good social life, and I'm in the best mental state I've ever been in. That is why I took that trip to Ikebukuro Animate, it just felt right to see it. Something That I've mentioned back on my first Japan trip. I can't say why, but it was right to see something that I wanted to see from that era of my life. 

Sorry for my rambles, I hope it all made sense.

See ya

I hate Sundays because it means that

I have stuff to do tomorrow.

K-On! Monday! 60

 Hello all, welcome back to K-On! Monday!

Today we have the last thing I got from my Japan study trip.

Azuza!

One of those towel posters!

I found it when I was visiting that 10-story Animate store in Ikebukuro, Tokyo. If you're a keen reader of this blog you'll remember that I mentioned it back before my first trip to Japan, HERE

Anyway, across the road is a Suruga-ya so I got it from there. I was kinda disappointed that I missed buying a different version, I went out the store and walked somewhere else before buying it. But that doesn't matter, it gives me more stuff to find. I still need to find a Mugi plushe, one day. Sorry Mugi.

Oh, it's not K-On! related but I got this new keyboard in Akibraha and man. It's just too good. It's a Realforce if you know anything about keyboards then I hope you know what that brand is like. If you're normal like the rest of us, it's a Japanese-made brand that builds the best keyboards I've ever used. All I know is that the keys are weighted 45g? and uses topre switches? I don't really know that much about keyboards, to be frank, I just like that it makes a clung noise and feels really good. If you're interested the model number is R3SD11. A little bit pricy as well, not stupid though. Plus I fell in love with it as soon as I tried it out. I've been thinking about getting one for the last year and a bit. So I think it was worth it. 

It's just too good guys

Anyway, that should be it for today, have a great week. Oh yeah, I'm also back home, so I might want to post a retrospective on the last month. Anyway, 

See ya

I don't know why, it it felt like things were comming

full cycle when I visited this place. 

A Collection of Thoughts

 I just had a thought, it came to me when I was thinking while I was thinking about something my mother said, “You’re only young once, so enjoy it.” Something finally clicked with me while I’ve heard that about a million times. I need to stop trying to get through life and just live it. I have spent too much time wanting to do things, or be someone else, and wishing I could have done more in the past. I just need to live in the now.

Coming on this trip has opened up my eyes to many things, though it might be weird having to carry all my belongings that I need for basic living, it has given me much thought. As in this, this is everything that represents me right now. If for instance, you were to create a time capsule of 20-year-old me, this would be a good start. The clothes I wear, shoes, watch, computers, books, headphones, anime crap I like. This is me.

Oh, another thing. While I was on the train yesterday, I was thinking about when I’ll be coming back to Japan. I might want to stay longer too, say six months or even a year. Then that thought led to another thought, What about after that? What if I end up enjoying that time too? What happens if I want to spend more time in Japan? Then I clicked, that’s just living there isn’t it? That’s what people don’t they? People just go places and go things because they like one area, or like one thing. Obviously, many do it for work, without a doubt. And you gotta be a fortunate person to have life turn out the way you kinda wanted it to turn out. Thought that’s super rare, I guess.

Tuesday was my last day of that program, and I decided to walk with my friends to the train station. There was a large group of us, like seven I think. It was a blast, just chatting and dicking around as we do. And I had another thought, I think this might be the last time I get to do something like this. Just going home from school, without having to worry about anything important. All I have to care about is what I’m eating that night. This whole idea extends to the whole program too, from dicking around on bus trips, in class, or together at night in our dorms. It was nice. I hope I can hang out with people like that again. Though I think I will.

Anyway, what was this post? Just a collection of my thoughts from the last few weeks that’s all.

See ya

Sometimes I think I spend too much time thinking

I think I did the right thing

As I speed away from Osaka, and in turn Kobe. I wanted to tell you all a story I just experienced.

Yesterday, I went on a date! It was great tbh, she was a great person and I'm happy I got to spend time with her. At the end of the night we also kissed at the top of Osaka station. Well, today we went out again. You see, I have to be in Tokyo tomorrow because I have an early morning flight on Friday so I wanted to be ready for it. But the thing is, I wanted to stay the night, because well you know. That. 

MASSIVE side note. I haven't talked about this on the blog yet, but at the start of the month, I met a different girl. Well me and that other girl, well did it. It was my first time too. But I felt sick because of it, you see it was a one-night stand. And to be frank with you it disgusted me. I hated myself a little because of it. Even still, getting into the plus-18 stuff. It wasn't like the greatest thing of all time. Like it was kinda hard and kinda impersonal. What I did enjoy was just cuddling her, kissing, that sort of thing. It was softer, and more intimate than anything else I've ever done. But even still, the whole thing for me felt too weird. I just met her and now we're doing things? While I'm forever grateful to her for giving me the opportunity, it made me realise all these things. I just didn't want to do that again. I wanted something more. And also I think it's ok that I focus on myself again like I still have four and a half years' worth of school. So that's more important. 

This brings me back to the girl I was with today. Even though I didn't want another one-night stand, I just missed that intimacy I had. So I went out with her, wanted to do it again. and I know what you're going to day, that I'm just like every other pig man trying to hunt for women. And you know what, I agree with you. Of course I knew that, I'm not a moron. This was in the back of my head the entire time I was with her. I was just suppressing it because I wanted THAT more. Like some sort of caveman. Anyway, I checked when the last Shinkansen was leaving, at 9:24 PM, and I told her that I wanted to make it. But I kinda built my way up to staying. I kept talking to her, trying to make up my mind. And look, this is completely a me thing, nothing to do with her, I absolutely wanted to stay with her. But I just knew I couldn't. It wasn't the right thing to do. So after passing around, and asking her what she wanted, and even my sister! I decided to leave. While I regret kissing her a bunch before I left, and kinda making her wait. I think I did the right thing in the end. I didn't do it, I didn't have that one-night stand before leaving and never seeing her again. I think it was the right choice. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, walking away from a fantastic person who wanted me. Even though I'll end up regretting it, for kinda obvious reasons, I'm still happy I did what it did. I think I did what a real man would have done, and I'm a little proud of myself. I think I grew a little.

I'm going to be posting over the next few days, just some leftovers from the last three weeks.

See ya. 

I hope I can be a better person

K-On! Monday! 59

Ngl, I kind forgot about today.

Talk tomorrow

See ya 

i was just checking the time and remembered 

Everyone hates me

Everyone hates me.  I don't know why, I always try so fucking hard and yet everyone still hates me. Is it because I try too hard? Do I say too much? I know there are things that I shouldn't have said but I just can't help myself. I just want people to like me, but I can't let things that I care about be trashed. I care too much. Should I just not care and instead focus on getting more friends? Or even people to like me? Or should I stand to what I believe is right? And I'm not just talking about politics, I'm talking about everything. Everything that I believe in. 

For context Ive been left behind by everyone I thought like me here. It was kinda obvious too. But I don't know what I did to everyone to get like this? Whats it something I did, or something said? I know some of them we're talking behind my back, I'm not stupid I saw it. I just don't know what to do. I might just keep to myself again, that usually helps.

I'm just so fucking sick of this. I always try so fucking hard and it always ends like this. I even tell people that I have autism and it doesn't change anything. Noone ever understands me, or trys to. I'm just tired of it. I just hate myself. Why does that happen to me. What can I do to be better. I want to be better. I thought that this would be over after school but it isn't. Why.

K-On! Monday 58!

 All right, let's do this. 

Welcome back to K-On! Monday! 

Now I don't have anything new with regards to K-On! So instead I'll show the desk in my dorm.

See, it's Yui!

My desk

This is what I'm using on this trip, kinda cosy I won't lie. I might post the rest of the photos tomorrow, If I'm not lazy. 

Anyway, seeing the date today. You would know that it's the end of the world, well kinda. That's right folks, those morons in America get Trump 2.0 today. Even though I'm Australian, I still have to care. Because what the Americans do, we have to follow them. But let's not talk about the heat death of the human race today, it'll ruin K-On! Monday! Let's instead talk about a little story I have from four years ago today. It's nothing special to be honest, but I got my switch in the summer of 2020/21, and played the crap out of Zelda and the Mario 3d collection. At the same time, I was watching a show called Lupin the 3rd, part II if you're interested. It's also around the same time I started my old blog, if you can find it you could read the posts from back then. Anyway, I decided to stay up on the 20th to watch Biden's inauguration. So in the summer heat, I played Super Mario Sunshine while watching Lupin until 3amish. Then I watched Biden get sworn in. I'll never forget that summer night, I don't know why but it screams childhood to me. Just everything about it, I really miss those days. But I could never imagine being here four years later. What a journey I've had, and I'm really grateful to everyone who has helped me along the way. 

So when I look back on Biden's presidency, while many may have thought it was wasted. I enjoyed it, not just because of what the man achieved, and he did a lot. But what I achieved personally too. I totally evolved as a person, and I'm much happier now than I was then. If I could go back to that summer night and tell myself anything, I'd say that everything was going to be ok. It might just work out. 

Oh, except that dipshit and co is about ruin everything, oh well

See ya

I should really start playing games again

especially with that new switch coming out

K-On! Monday! 57

 HELLO EVERYONE!

Welcome back to another K-On! Monday! Today lets take a look at some more new K-On! merch I got last week!

It's a Key Chain!

Here it is!

I got it from the music store from K-On! I also got another thing I'll show off next week. 

Anyway, I've been really tired recently, I don't know why. I've also been sick again, and that throat pain from last time came back. 

I hope to do more writing this week. I want to get more stuff out, plus go out and explore Japan too. I'm going out right now to watch the new Sonic movie again. Can't wait 

I'll see you all again soon, hopefully

See ya

K-On! Monday! 56

Hey all, 

I'm going to make this short, I'll go into detail tomorrow. For context I had food poisoning last night and spent it in front of a toilet. Plus I have a cold right now, so that's great. It's also really fucking cold here. 

Anyway, I just wanted to show off this new K-On merch I got from akihabara last week. 

It's this cute little drink coaster. There was also a mouse pad but it was too much for me. Especially because it wasn't that big. I've got more cool things too, I can't wait to show them off. Anyway, I might post again tomorrow. 

See ya